I’m Not Dead, I Swear

I’ve been super busy lately. What’s new, right?

Also, I can’t believe I did it, but…

It’s officially my birthday and by the time I’m done typing this entry it will officially be over. Which, I can’t say I’m too sad about.

Remember when birthdays were anticipated for weeks in advance?! When they were fun and exciting?

What the fuck happened to that?

This birthday snuck up on me, and 30 is literally right around the corner. I’m not happy about that at all. But, all that said, my birthday was pretty good this year.

I had school for most of the day, 9:00am to around 3:00pm, then I went to celebrate with a few classmates at the bar. When else can you hang out at the bar at 3:00 in the afternoon except in college? I swear, I’d make college a career if I could. After a few hours I had to go to my grandmother’s for dinner with the family. It was nice, except for my grandmother’s suicide talk.

Yeah, we’ll talk about that another time, k?

After dinner I asked my mother if she wanted to go to the casino, I haven’t been in almost a year and felt lucky for some reason. I told her that instead of cashing the check for $100 that she gave me for my birthday she could use it to gamble with me. After a bit of persuading she agreed.

I really want to have a good relationship with my mother. I’m trying really hard to put my anger and resentment behind me and forgive her. Anyway, it was nice and we had a good time. That’s rare considering we hardly talk most of the time.

She ended up losing $200 but at the very end of the night I hit a jackpot for $400. I had only spent $140 so it was a pretty nice chunk of change. Yay!

I decided to give her $300 since I don’t really need money right now because of my financial aid disbursement. I wish I always had enough money not to care about it. I feel so much better when I don’t have to worry about money. I think it even makes me a better person.

That’s probably weird.

Oh, as you can probably see, there’s a ribbon on the top right of the page for donations to the Race for the Cure. Yes, it’s that time of year again! I’ll be doing the 5K on October 5th. I’ve registered my mother and managed to persuade two friends to attend with me. Yay!

If you’re feeling particularly generous, have a connection to breast cancer, or would like to donate as my birthday present (Hint hint! Ha! I’m kidding!) than please click the banner. Every little bit helps, even $5.00. Don’t feel pressured to donate, I understand if you can’t or don’t want to, I just thought I’d put it out there.

I’m off to bed. Sweet dreams!

Let me preface this by saying that for the most part, life recently has been good.

But today I spent the entire day in bed crying. My eyes are swollen and I look as if I have the flu. I’m exhausted.

If I didn’t have to work tomorrow I’m sure the day would be spent much the same.

I think that I am fundamentally flawed beyond repair.

I have been so busy with final projects and exams lately that I’m completely exhausted most of the time. But, to be honest, it’s nice to be completely exhausted. I feel like I’ve done something; that I’ve accomplished something.

This weekend I don’t have a lot of group work to do (hopefully!), so I’ve made plans to go out with a few of the boys in the department for a trail ride. We haven’t had time to do this, or the cooperating weather, since March.

I’m so excited I can hardly contain it. I miss being in the mountains. I miss nature. I miss spending time with people I love doing something I love.

Just thinking about it makes me smile.

Once again, I know I’m tempting fate, but I’m so happy lately. Even with all the stress, lack of sleep and limited amount of free time.

Even though I’m not perfect.

It’s 3:42am and I can’t sleep. I have a huge interview tomorrow with one of the leaders in the aerospace industry here, and I’m petrified. I don’t do well in interviews in the first place, let alone behavioral interviewing. You know the kind: ‘Tell me a time when…”

Several of my classmates already got intern positions for the summer there, so it would be awesome to join them. It would definitely lessen my anxiety about starting a new internship.

Wish me luck, send good vibes, cross your fingers and toes.

I have an exam tomorrow that I’m completely unprepared for and today I wasted 3 hours talking with the boys in the lab about conducting their thesis on space sex. Topics included but weren’t limited to: the propulsive properties of male ejaculation, the coagulation and formation of the ‘moneyshot’, the possibility and probability of giving yourself an accidental facial, and the hazards of weightless ejaculate on electronic equipment.

THREE HOURS.

But, I laughed until my sides and face hurt. So, maybe not such a horrible tradeoff since I really needed to laugh a bit.

I’ve been unable to focus on schoolwork this semester and something needs to fucking change because this is completely unacceptable to me.

I have senioritis with two more semesters to go.

Did you vote? Ok, good.

I don’t completely understand why when I’m happy being with someone all of the sudden boys trip over themselves to date me.

Ok, I exaggerate, they aren’t really tripping over themselves for me. More like haphazardly stumbling towards me on accident. Occasionally.

In the past month I’ve been asked out 3 times by complete strangers. Two in the past week. Which, obviously, isn’t that much, but considering that really hasn’t happened for years, it’s a bit out of the ordinary for me. Especially when I run into the grocery store to pick up bananas after the gym and I’m all sweaty and stinky. Like seriously, what the fuck? Do you have a sweaty fat girl fetish?

But, I live in a military town and most of them will date anything that breathes, so it’s not like it’s really that noteworthy. Besides, I want no one other than The Boy (still contemplating pseudonyms), so I politely decline and go on my merry way.

Random thoughts:

The women’s bathroom at the school smells like the sewer. It’s not dirty, it’s just that there are about 10 girls in the entire department and the toilets don’t get flushed enough, so sewer gas collects. Or something to that effect. I don’t really care why, but all I know is that I’m supposed to flush all the toilets in the bathroom every time I pee now. What a stupid reason to waste water.

I don’t drink caffeine, but I’ve recently started taking ephedrine and caffeine pills. I take my caffeine pills with Diet Caffeine Free Coke. Ironic or just retarded?

I drew you a picture of a crab cake. My brain pops this image into my mind every time I hear the song I posted the other day, which probably explains why it makes me happy. That and the fact that it reminds me of The Boy.

I must say ‘awesome’ 35 times a day lately. I need more 80′s/90′s words to add to my lexicon. Ideas?

My first class of the semester starts in two hours, and as usual, I’m scared out of my mind.

I worked so hard last semester that I don’t know if I can do much more than I did. Sometimes I was at school from 7:00am to midnight; I was there everyday including weekends for at least 12 hours for the last two months of the semester.

I tried explaining it last night, but I just came off as a snotty cunt who thinks I deserve an A because I’m smart. That’s not it at all, but I just don’t think I can try much harder and I don’t want to disappoint everyone.

I don’t know. Tomorrow I have class at 8:00am which means I have to leave my house at 7:00am. Which means I have to get up by 6:30 at the very latest. If I want 8 hours of sleep I have to go to bed at 10:30pm.

I don’t think that’s happened since I was in elementary school.

In other news, my sister-in-law is about to pop out a kid. I attended her baby shower last weekend and it was so prim and proper I felt like a moron. Seriously, it was in a tea parlor with proper tea service. Including those pretentious finger sandwiches. Just to be white trashy, I totally took a picture.

Luckily, I was sitting at the poor people table, so none of us knew which fork to use or the proper way to act. Fun times.

Also, quite possibly, my sister-in-law is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.

Seriously, I adore her.

Yesterday went completely wrong. I went to buy my textbooks, but the cashier made a mistake and tried to authorize $550 (not even ALL of my books!) twice. Unfortunately, my bank is retarded and I have a daily spending limit of $1000 a day on my debit card, and apparently not a single person in the whole bank is able to change that limit. Sidenote: Why is there a spending limit so low? What if I wanted to by a plasma TV? It is MY money, right? Blah. Anyway, I’ve digressed. So, as to not be a huge pain in the ass, I am just going to go back and get the books today. And, switch banks.

I also went to the eye doctor today, and while my vision has actually improved (Yay, though wtf?) There was this really snotty lady there who was being quite rude to the receptionist over something that was 1) not even the receptionist?s fault and 2) even if it had been, there was no excuse for the way she was treating her.

So, and for reasons I will try to explain in a minute, I stepped in and said something. At first the lady was quite rude to me as well, but after I made her feel 2 inches tall for treating another human being as rudely and condescendingly as she just did, she turned red, apologized to the receptionist and quickly left the office.

As I’m sure all of you are well aware, I?m really not the type to even talk to strangers in public, let alone start a confrontation, but lately I’ve been so happy I couldn’t help myself.

Did you read that right? Happy?! Yes!

I am so smitten with a boy who is so amazingly perfect for me that I walk around with the biggest grin on my face without even realizing. Sometimes I realize I look like a smiling moron and I try to stop myself, but I just can’t help it.

In fact, I seem so happy and friendly that people just randomly talk to me now. Yesterday, even though it was a less than stellar day, I had random, friendly, small talk conversation with 5 people. Five! That’s like, unheard of for me. People just arbitrarily came up to me in the stores and started talking about the day, the weather, how great this sale was, how much they loved those raspberries.

Usually if this happened once, I’d just chalk it up to a friendly person who is overly chatty, but five? I must be projecting this happy, easily approachable energy or something. Though, I know without a doubt exactly why.

He makes me so happy. He makes me smile even when I’m not with him. He makes me hopeful about a future that I wasn’t so hopeful about before.

I know that sounds stupid, and it?s not like I’ve known him long and I don’t particularly have a great track record with the boy thing, but this is different. I don’t really know how to explain it, but I can feel it. I just want to tell everyone in the entire world how awesome he is and how happy he makes me and what a perfect fit he is for me.

I know that I can come on strong, and I don’t want to be too smothering, but I just adore him and want to spend inordinate amounts of time with him. I know that just make me sound all fatal attraction. Damn it, I’m not. I?m just happy.

Anyway, the fact remains, if I were to make a boy just for me, I wouldn’t have been able to make anyone more perfect.

12/19/07 BUSINESS COURSE FEE 15.00
12/19/07 EAS INSTRUCTIONAL FEE 180.00
12/19/07 RECREATION CENTER FEE 80.00
12/19/07 TRANSPORTATION AND SAFETY FEE 61.50
12/19/07 STUDENT EVENTS/PERFORMANC FEE 4.00
12/19/07 HEALTH CENTER FEE 25.00
12/19/07 FAMILY DEV CTR OPERATION FEE 3.00
12/19/07 STUDENT REC FEE $1 PER CR HR 18.00
12/19/07 UNIV CTR BOND $9.50 PER CR HR 171.00
12/19/07 ATHLETIC FEE $4.85 PER CR HR 87.30
12/19/07 STUDENT ACTIVITIES FEE 13.00
12/19/07 FAMILY DEVELOPMENT CTR BONDFEE 10.00
12/19/07 UNIVERSITY CENTER BOND BASEFEE 33.00
12/19/07 TECHNOLOGY FEE $5 PER CRED HR 90.00
12/19/07 SIS-STUDENT INFORMATION SYSTEM 5.50

Almost $800 in ‘fees’. Add tuition, books AND a $300 parking pass and I feel raped.