I’m Not Dead, I Swear

My infomercial obsession is nothing new (proof), and I’m obsessed with Vince Offer. Every time I watch TV, it’s TIVO’d of course so I can fast forward through the commercials. However, I will literally rewind to watch the ShamWOW and SlapChop commercials. They’re brilliant! I just wish they were the full 30 minute infomercials.

(I met my stepsisters for the first time on Christmas. I don’t really feel like talking about that at the moment. It’s hard to see your father with a new family and doing fatherly things that he never did with you – with someone else’s daughter.)

It’s officially my birthday and by the time I’m done typing this entry it will officially be over. Which, I can’t say I’m too sad about.

Remember when birthdays were anticipated for weeks in advance?! When they were fun and exciting?

What the fuck happened to that?

This birthday snuck up on me, and 30 is literally right around the corner. I’m not happy about that at all. But, all that said, my birthday was pretty good this year.

I had school for most of the day, 9:00am to around 3:00pm, then I went to celebrate with a few classmates at the bar. When else can you hang out at the bar at 3:00 in the afternoon except in college? I swear, I’d make college a career if I could. After a few hours I had to go to my grandmother’s for dinner with the family. It was nice, except for my grandmother’s suicide talk.

Yeah, we’ll talk about that another time, k?

After dinner I asked my mother if she wanted to go to the casino, I haven’t been in almost a year and felt lucky for some reason. I told her that instead of cashing the check for $100 that she gave me for my birthday she could use it to gamble with me. After a bit of persuading she agreed.

I really want to have a good relationship with my mother. I’m trying really hard to put my anger and resentment behind me and forgive her. Anyway, it was nice and we had a good time. That’s rare considering we hardly talk most of the time.

She ended up losing $200 but at the very end of the night I hit a jackpot for $400. I had only spent $140 so it was a pretty nice chunk of change. Yay!

I decided to give her $300 since I don’t really need money right now because of my financial aid disbursement. I wish I always had enough money not to care about it. I feel so much better when I don’t have to worry about money. I think it even makes me a better person.

That’s probably weird.

Oh, as you can probably see, there’s a ribbon on the top right of the page for donations to the Race for the Cure. Yes, it’s that time of year again! I’ll be doing the 5K on October 5th. I’ve registered my mother and managed to persuade two friends to attend with me. Yay!

If you’re feeling particularly generous, have a connection to breast cancer, or would like to donate as my birthday present (Hint hint! Ha! I’m kidding!) than please click the banner. Every little bit helps, even $5.00. Don’t feel pressured to donate, I understand if you can’t or don’t want to, I just thought I’d put it out there.

I’m off to bed. Sweet dreams!

I bought myself flowers the other day to celebrate my lack of offspring. It makes me happy.

She’s as close to a child as I’ll ever have, so I hope she turns out well.

I haven’t slept and it’s 7:00am. I couldn’t sleep, I just tossed and turned and my mind ran a mile a minute; if only that counted as exercise.

I’m off to my grandmother’s house to make fleece blankets for The Boy’s family. I hope they like them, I kinda suck at sewing.

But, it’s the thought that counts, right?

My first class of the semester starts in two hours, and as usual, I’m scared out of my mind.

I worked so hard last semester that I don’t know if I can do much more than I did. Sometimes I was at school from 7:00am to midnight; I was there everyday including weekends for at least 12 hours for the last two months of the semester.

I tried explaining it last night, but I just came off as a snotty cunt who thinks I deserve an A because I’m smart. That’s not it at all, but I just don’t think I can try much harder and I don’t want to disappoint everyone.

I don’t know. Tomorrow I have class at 8:00am which means I have to leave my house at 7:00am. Which means I have to get up by 6:30 at the very latest. If I want 8 hours of sleep I have to go to bed at 10:30pm.

I don’t think that’s happened since I was in elementary school.

In other news, my sister-in-law is about to pop out a kid. I attended her baby shower last weekend and it was so prim and proper I felt like a moron. Seriously, it was in a tea parlor with proper tea service. Including those pretentious finger sandwiches. Just to be white trashy, I totally took a picture.

Luckily, I was sitting at the poor people table, so none of us knew which fork to use or the proper way to act. Fun times.

Also, quite possibly, my sister-in-law is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.

Seriously, I adore her.

My father still hasn’t returned my calls from Christmas Eve.

You’d think I’d learn by now, but I never do. I always tend to see the best in people and I’m perpetually let down.

Without fail.

I just need a hug right now.

Hope everyone had a Merry Christmas, or Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa, or Festivus, or whatever.

I’ve had better. I spent Christmas Eve with family in Denver and then Christmas was spent alone. Which is ok by me, it’s been that way for a few years. I really don’t mind being alone as much as most, I suppose.

I’ve been really sick for almost two weeks. My tonsils are swollen again and I look like a chipmunk that stuffed it’s cheeks with food. Let me find a good comparison. I suppose this is pretty close…

Also, I’ve been Martha Stewart-ing it up. I made this for Jackie’s child:

And, I made about 200 cookies. Here’s just a fraction:

Everyone that eats them will probably catch my illness. Merry Christmas!

Ha!

I’m in such a bad mood today. Sad, really. I’m feeling unloved lately. I suppose the holidays bring that insecurity to the forefront.

Some random lady yelled at me in the grocery store today, my father hasn’t returned my call from Christmas Eve, and I’m feeling avoided by several of my friends. Hello, don’t you people realize I need constant reassurance that I’m still your friend?!

Also, just because it’s 7:00am and I haven’t been to sleep yet, I’d like to share some stupid lolcats with you that I adore. Merry Christmas!

So, I’m officially going to be an aunt. Not a half-assed aunt to Jackie’s child, but a real aunt. My brother and his wife are having a baby, and though I’m 99% convinced she somehow scammed him into it, what’s done is done.

The thing is, I’ve never been excited about someone having a baby before. Not even Jackie. There was anticipation, but never a feeling that something will (hopefully) love me forever.

Though I still believe that the reasons for deciding to have a child are purely selfish ones, I can somewhat understand them now. I’m totally excited about being Aunt Julie and having something to love me unconditionally. Like a puppy, but in human form!

Anyway, yesterday my brother and his wife went to get a 3D sonogram done. They invited my mother and me, her parents and her grandmother. My father wasn’t invited, and I think it was a combination of my brother not really liking him and the probability of him enjoying it being close to zero.

Knowing that this will probably be the closest thing to me actually having a baby, I was hoping she wouldn’t turn out to be ugly. How sad would that be?! She’s not! Or, rather, I don’t think she is…it’s hard to tell still. At least she’s not deformed. That’s always a good thing.

The place was absolutely amazing. They had nice comfy couches in the room and a huge plasma TV; it was like our own personal movie theater. They recorded the session onto a DVD and took over 80 still photos. My brother plans on sending out copies soon, but the company puts up pictures on their website for visitors to see.

Here are a few of the pictures that were taken yesterday.

If you’re going to get this done, I highly recommend this company. There are only 4 in the US, and the owner of this one was extremely nice. If you want their website, just let me know.

wow, i just whined and whined my way through that last entry. sorry. i think i’m much better now. on tuesday, i went out with my mother to go look for some clothes to wear to a decent job. she bought. (i love my mommy, she’s always there when i need her and i love her for everything she’s ever done) i actually got a skirt. if you knew me you’d be shocked. i think the last time i’ve owned a skirt was when i was eleven. i despise dresses and the such. i’m such a tomboy. anyway, i really liked it on me. amazing! i was so psyched to tell j about it, but alas he has cut off contact again for whatever reason. he’s been quite pissy lately. he called on monday, and we talked for awhile. he was sorta weird on the phone. i asked what was wrong and he told me i was kinda annoying him (which i understood, because i was halfway drunk and on xanax). so i told him i’d let him go. he said he’d call me later. and that was that. i’ve promised myself i’m not going to over-analyze it. and it’s taken all my strength, and a hand full of xanax, but i’m not gonna. in fact, he hasn’t called me since, and i’m not gonna worry about it. i’m sick of worrying. i’m sick of trying to be the perfect girlfriend. i’m sick of a lot of things, and i’m not going to let me put myself down again. i try so damn hard with j. and, sometimes, i just don’t get it. what more can i do to make him happy? why doesn’t he try as hard at making me happy? why am i always the one who has to try? i’m sick of hoping every car that drives by is his, and i’m sick of hoping every time the phone rings it’s him. damn it, now i’m analyzing and crying. OK, i’m gonna stop. really, i am. so, tuesday was pretty much a great day. i stopped at the rest stop on the way home. there was a cute little (umm, not really little) cow with his head stuck through the fence. so, me being the sucker for animals that i am, went and petted him. i got all sad for a minute thinking about how someday soon he’s gonna be someone’s burger, but life goes on. i got a coke from the vending machine and i was on my way home. nothing could get me down damn it, i wasn’t gonna let anything get me down. maybe i should think that way more often. julie

ok, i’ve been changing the site again. in fact, if you’re epileptic and not careful, you could go into a seizure i’ve been changing stuff on here so fast. i think i finally found a design i like..but dammit. i wanted to share it with someone i knew…well, i damn sure couldn’t share it with J. i’m almost positive he wouldn’t be to thrilled by the idea of his life being published to thousands of people. so, ::drum roll please:: i choose my mommy! (hi mom!) i share almost everything with her anyway, and since i was laid-off my trips to the springs have become more and more infrequent. at least this way, she knows i’m alive and well (maybe sometimes too well) so mom, here are some tips ::don’t think about me having sex, or doing bad things. pretend i’m someone else’s daughter while your reading bad things about me. when you see the good stuff..remember i’m your daughter. and no matter what…don’t tell dad:: ok, now that we have that out of the way i can get on with my entry. well, for starters i haven’t slept yet. i’ve been up all night trying to make your internet experience a better one (please direct all thank you cards to…) at one point in the night i took a sip of Coca-Cola that had a cigarette butt i had thrown into it earlier. (and you thought sperm was bad?) i don’t know why i’m obsessed with this website all of the sudden…maybe it’s because i have no where to focus my energy now except on this. i suppose i could be looking for a job…(::whining:: but mommy, this is more fun) oh geez, i think i’m getting delusional. i’m thinking that’s what no sleep and almost a pack and a half of cigarettes will do to ya. unfortunately, i think if i tried going to sleep right now, i’d have little success. my body likes to torture me when i’m mean to it. i think it secretly hates me for all the bad things i do to it (ex. smoking, drinking, lots of sex, little sleep). by the time i’m 30 it’s probably gonna turn on me and i’ll turn out looking like joan rivers should if she didn’t have all those face lifts. (uh-oh did i spill her little secret?) screw it i’m feeling bitchy (in a good way..if there is such a thing) more to come later…if i don’t fall into a coma for 3 days ::julie::