I’m Not Dead, I Swear

So, it’s been way too long since I’ve posted anything substantial. I’ve had several reasons, or excuses depending upon how you look at it, for why I haven’t. Instead of getting into those, let’s just forget about it, shall we? Good.

I, despite having horrible men boys in my life recently, am super happy right now. Things are finally starting to go my way, and I’m so excited about what my future holds.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt that way.

Things since I last updated: I’ve started my research assistant job with my adviser. I’ve learned more in the past few months than I think I learned in most of my undergraduate career. My adviser is a new professor – she’s only two years older than me – and I’ve had the pleasure of helping her set up our brand new lab and our first experiment. It may seem mundane to most, but I have loved every second of it.

I start grad school in the fall – I have a fellowship and several grants that have allowed me to FINALLY get my own apartment.

I. CAN. NOT. EXPRESS. HOW. EXCITED. I. AM.

I signed a lease last weekend, however they’re upgrading my apartment for me before I move in, so it won’t be available to move in until August 26th. I had a goal of being out of my mother’s house by the time I’m 30 (I aim high, eh?!) and I’ll make it! By 10 days, but damn it, I made it!

The apartments are gorgeous and in an amazing complex 5 minutes from campus. Free wireless internet, free spa, free tanning, free gym, free continental breakfasts, and best of all: FREE STARBUCKS. Every morning. Let me repeat that: FREE STARBUCKS; they have an entire little cafe set up.

Have a look at the cute little show model…

Not to mention, the most amazing pool in town…

I’m so happy. It feels weird.

It’s going to be my new best friend. Also, my hippie friend asked me to paint this, and I like it. Even if he looks like he has ears and a wonky eye.

So, I’m getting really burnt out on math and science. Coming from an engineer that’s just ridiculous. Anyway, I want to be more creative, but I suck so bad at it. I’m not creative or talented at anything but math and science.

That’s it.

And lately, I’m doubting my talent in that, too.

So, I went on a spending spree for art supplies. I bought every damn artistic thing available. I bought watercolors, acrylics, pastels and watercolor pencils. I’ve been sewing stuff and buy pretty fabric whenever I see it, but I suck at that, too. I have no idea what to DO with the fabric. I have journaling things; I have so many types of Moleskines I should by stock in them.

So, for the first time ever I tried watercolor painting tonight. I followed a simple tutorial online, but I suck so I didn’t really follow it. Then I decided that I’d go abstract because you can’t really fuck that up, right?

Wrong. I fucked that up, too. And they all look like a 4 year old made them.

Oh well. I figure you can all use a nice laugh, so here you go:

Wanna know how fucked up my analytical mind is? I like the abstract green and purple one because it’s the most…clean? Separated? I dunno…simple?

She’s as close to a child as I’ll ever have, so I hope she turns out well.

I haven’t slept and it’s 7:00am. I couldn’t sleep, I just tossed and turned and my mind ran a mile a minute; if only that counted as exercise.

I’m off to my grandmother’s house to make fleece blankets for The Boy’s family. I hope they like them, I kinda suck at sewing.

But, it’s the thought that counts, right?

It’s just one horrid day after another. I can’t take much more of this.

I can’t sleep. There are a million and two things going through my head and nothing I can do about any of them. I’ve also been feeling very hug-needy. Which, is not only an odd phrase, it’s an odd feeling for me. I usually enjoy my bubble to be free of other people, but for some reason I think a hug would solve everything right now.

The boy (Who seems to have me stumped in terms of a pseudonym. He’s lovely and smart and sexy and funny and his name begins with a J. Suggestions welcome.) made me a mixtape via USB:

I told you he was awesome. It makes me extremely happy when I listen, and I would share it, but I want to be selfish and keep it all to myself. It makes me feel special; is that silly?

This is one of the songs on the tape, and it makes me smile every time I hear it, especially the part when he says crabcake. I have no idea why, but if something makes me smile this much I’m not going to question it.

Also, in the stock photo of the USB mixtape, Sufjan’s name is written. Not that it’s of much importance, but I’m odd and notice weird things like that.I have class at 8:00 tomorrow and I have to be up in 5-ish hours. Fun times.

Meh.

My first class of the semester starts in two hours, and as usual, I’m scared out of my mind.

I worked so hard last semester that I don’t know if I can do much more than I did. Sometimes I was at school from 7:00am to midnight; I was there everyday including weekends for at least 12 hours for the last two months of the semester.

I tried explaining it last night, but I just came off as a snotty cunt who thinks I deserve an A because I’m smart. That’s not it at all, but I just don’t think I can try much harder and I don’t want to disappoint everyone.

I don’t know. Tomorrow I have class at 8:00am which means I have to leave my house at 7:00am. Which means I have to get up by 6:30 at the very latest. If I want 8 hours of sleep I have to go to bed at 10:30pm.

I don’t think that’s happened since I was in elementary school.

In other news, my sister-in-law is about to pop out a kid. I attended her baby shower last weekend and it was so prim and proper I felt like a moron. Seriously, it was in a tea parlor with proper tea service. Including those pretentious finger sandwiches. Just to be white trashy, I totally took a picture.

Luckily, I was sitting at the poor people table, so none of us knew which fork to use or the proper way to act. Fun times.

Also, quite possibly, my sister-in-law is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.

Seriously, I adore her.

If, by chance, I change my mind and marry someday, this is where it will take place. And, I don’t care how much it will cost.

This idea is now copyrighted. No theifing it. ?

I must’ve started, and restarted, and restarted this entry and really I have no fucking clue what I’m trying to get out of my head and neatly onto this page. I tend to use this place as a way of organizing and rationalizing (though that’s debatable!) my thoughts. But, if I can’t even coherently explain my thoughts what good is it?

Anyway, I’ve been a weird mood as of late. Today I saw this at the store and got so frustrated and upset.

While most tend to think this is adorable and funny, if you took a moment to think about the values you’re instilling in your newborn daughter from birth, it’s a bit disgusting. And really, the argument that they have no clue at that age isn’t really the point.

I don’t know what the point is, but I know there was one.

See. Odd mood and my brain isn’t working right either.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Hope everyone had a Merry Christmas, or Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa, or Festivus, or whatever.

I’ve had better. I spent Christmas Eve with family in Denver and then Christmas was spent alone. Which is ok by me, it’s been that way for a few years. I really don’t mind being alone as much as most, I suppose.

I’ve been really sick for almost two weeks. My tonsils are swollen again and I look like a chipmunk that stuffed it’s cheeks with food. Let me find a good comparison. I suppose this is pretty close…

Also, I’ve been Martha Stewart-ing it up. I made this for Jackie’s child:

And, I made about 200 cookies. Here’s just a fraction:

Everyone that eats them will probably catch my illness. Merry Christmas!

Ha!

I’m in such a bad mood today. Sad, really. I’m feeling unloved lately. I suppose the holidays bring that insecurity to the forefront.

Some random lady yelled at me in the grocery store today, my father hasn’t returned my call from Christmas Eve, and I’m feeling avoided by several of my friends. Hello, don’t you people realize I need constant reassurance that I’m still your friend?!

Also, just because it’s 7:00am and I haven’t been to sleep yet, I’d like to share some stupid lolcats with you that I adore. Merry Christmas!